I WAS A TEENAGE POLYESTER POLITICIAN

I KNEW THE LAST SEASON OF 24 WENT TOO FAR

C.A.R.S. = CASH FOR CLUNKERS

We traded in the Exploder this weekend for a new car. After throwing $425 at it the ten year old Ford wouldn't pass smog. My mechanic told me it would need an additional $1,400 of work before he could even test it again; and then it would probably be the catalytic converter-considering the age: another $3,000. "Time to trade it in," He said.

We decided to take advantage of the CARS program. The Exploder had 8 cylinders and lousy gas mileage, so it more than qualified. Trouble is, the CARS program is designed to steer you to the crappy cars that the government wants you to drive, not the cool cars that a normal person would desire. If you want an 8 cylinder, forget it. If you want 6 cylinders you only qualify for $3,500. To get the full $4,500 you have to settle for a 4 banger.

We decided on the Honda Accord. We drove both the 4 banger and the 6 cylinder; no contest. With three adults in the car, the 4 banger strained to make it up the freeway on ramp. The 6, on the other hand, has the V-tec engine. When you stop accelerating, it switches from 6 to 3 cylinders. Which means it gets better highway milage than the 4 banger while having all the power you could want.

This is our third new car in 35 years and our first Honda. So far we think the Accord is a pretty nice ride.

DELUSIONS OF COOLNESS

Boy-oh-boy, Miracle Whip, the not-quite-mayonnaise, has a hip new ad campaign running. Apparently, they are vying for most totally extreeeeeeeeeem condiment status.

The Television spot features a bunch of ultra-cool twenty-somethings running around doing incomprehensible, ultra-cool, twenty-something, rave-type happening stuff. Complete with the standard MTV jiggly camera work. (Yeah, they spend millions on these spots and then try to convince us it was shot by a couple of kids with a cellphone camera)

At the end of all the cool, happenin' stuff comes the big tag line; 'We are Miracle Whip, and we're NOT gonna tone it down!"

For real.

That's like saying; "We are Twinkies, and we're hardcore to the bone!"

This DESERVES someone like me standing up, pointing to it and saying: "Ha, HA! that's lame." And I'm just the someone like me to do it, too. I'll even do it again: "Ha, HA! that's so lame."

I can think of other limp, sissy items that might benefit from this approach. 98lb weaklings, Johnson's no-more-tears baby shampoo and don't forget tofu.

Maybe the next commercial spot could feature Hells Angels passing around a plate of quarter-cut sandwiches slathered with Miracle Whip. The tag line might be: "Four out of Five hardcore bikers prefer Miracle Whip."

YOU JUST CAN'T WIN

SHERIFF'S CHAPLAIN

I have decided to take the next step in public service. I'm applying to the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department to become a member of the Chaplain's Bureau. I am already a volunteer with the Sheriff's Clergy Council, advising the Department and liaising between department and my congregation. However, this the service to the Deputies and out in the community is what I am interested in. So, tomorrow I'm heading to a meeting of Chaplains in LA with the Employee Services Bureau.

My Grandfather was a deputy with LASD. I hope he would be proud.

IT'S LOVELY! I'LL TAKE IT!

I found a new blog this morning: "It's Lovely I'll Take It" contains poorly chosen--to say the least--photos from real estate listings. Many of them are hilarious. THIS particular one is of the creepiest looking house I've ever seen. I may never sleep again after being violated like this. Click on this link if you dare.

DUMBING DOWN SCIENCE FICTION OR THE DEATH OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION

The SciFi Channel has suddenly changed its TV tag to a more trendy "syfy." Trendy but stupid. You see, "SciFi" is shorthand for Science Fiction, while "syfy" is shorthand for "maybe stupid people will watch us now."

Science Fiction has long been the undisputed domain of geeks and nerds; i.e. "smart people." But now it looks as if their reign has come to an untimely end. If the corporate types are willing to dumb-down the tag can the content long survive?

I expect to see new shows like STAR SEARCH: THE NEXT GENERATION, BATTLESTAR CURB APPEAL, perhaps EUREKA, I FOUND A TRENDY LOFT APARTMENT.

I can't wait to see what the Military Channel has planned to attract female viewers.

OBSERVATIONS FROM THE ROAD

Karen and I have been on a driving excursion through the mid and southwest for the past two weeks. I have gained some insight on driving practices on this trip.

1. Californians treat the speed limit as the minimum they are willing to tolerate from other drivers; otherwise, "get out of my way!"

2. Texans treat the speed limit as an unattainable, lofty goal for which all must strive, but none may achieve. What is up with going five MPH under the limit in the left lane?

3. Here's a tip for mid-western drivers; in order to pass another car you actually have to go faster. Just pulling even with the rear axle and maintaining the same speed for five miles won't get the job done.

4. Safety is a by-product of good driving, not the goal. The goal of good driving is to get from point A to point B quickly and efficiently.

5. Arizona seems to have fired all their state troopers in favor of automatic cameras.

6. I LOVE the I-10 in south Texas; 80MPH all the way from San Antonio to El Paso.

7. A three pound raven traveling at 5MPH is no match for a Ford Explorer traveling at 80MPH.

8. A three pound raven splatting into your car at 80MPH is much more exciting than watching frozen poultry shoot out of the "chicken gun" on Mythbusters. It will wake you up; definitely.

9. Ford's outside mirrors traveling at 80MPH are no match for a three pound raven traveling at 5MPH.

10. There are enough butterflys per square mile in south Texas to clog up your radiator grill.

SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST