BULWER-LYTTON AWARDS

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is an annual competition for the worst opening sentence of a novel. The award was inspired by Nineteenth Century novelist Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, from the notorious opening line of his novel PAUL CLIFFORD.

“It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.” — Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1830)

2011's winning line was: "Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories." — Sue Fondrie, Oshkosh, WI

However, I also liked this line in my personally-favorite category of Adventure Fiction: "From the limbs of ancient live oaks moccasins hung like fat black sausages – which are sometimes called boudin noir, black pudding or blood pudding, though why anyone would refer to a sausage as pudding is hard to understand and it is even more difficult to divine why a person would knowingly eat something made from dried blood in the first place – but be that as it may, our tale is of voodoo and foul murder, not disgusting food." — Jack Barry, Shelby, NC 

My all-time favorite, from Mystery Fiction remains: "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

What about you? Think you have the right stuff to be a contender? Here's mine: "Agent Nick Tempus cringed as a high-powered bullet punched through the rear window of his speeding Dodge Charger, whizzed past his head and shattered the windshield, wishing he'd signed up for a lower insurance deductible."

AVAST THERE, ME HEARTIES!

I'm officially a Pirate: and I have the sunken chest to prove it.

I came home from the hospital yesterday. The surgery went well. Doc says he got everything, no surprises. Waiting on the pathological report of the lymph nodes. Surprisingly, I have had very little pain. Sometimes when I move I can feel the sutures pull, but I quickly stop any such movement. I have almost full use of my right arm. I do not put any weight on it, but I can hold a coffee cup, which is a great comfort.

I'll see my doctor on the 28th for a Post-Operation review. He expects to remove one of my two drains that day. Chemo-therapy begins in about three weeks. It will be intravenous, so I expect to lose my hair. I've decided to simply get a buzz cut at my next appointment. Good thing for me I like to wear hats.

IT IS TIME

Off to the hospital for surgery. More to come.

BLESSED FRIENDS

People all all over the world have told me they are praying for my up-coming cancer surgery on Wednesday. Thank you all for the humbling blessings. My friend Rabbi Ben-Zion (pronounced Bent-Zeeown) Kravitz even had a friend in Jerusalem place a prayer in the Wailing Wall on my behalf. For those who don't know, the "wall" is actually all that's left of the foundation of the third Temple, rebuilt in a grand scale by Herod the Great during the time of Jesus. Following is a video from last summer when he personally placed my prayer for the peace of Jerusalem in the recesses of the ancient wall.

JARS OF CLAY

My last message before surgery...

CELEBRATING DADS

Happy Day, Bros!

SIT-REP; SATURDAY MORNING

Met my Oncologist yesterday; a very compassionate man. His opinion is that my tumor is at stage Stage IIB: that means it is less than 5centemeters and at least one lymph node has been affected. They will know for sure only during the surgery. However, this is the third diagnosis and they all agree. I find that encouraging.

The expected course of chemo-therapy follows:
1. therapy to begin three to four weeks post-operation
2. chemo-therapy will be administered via a jazzy, robotic-type plug implant, every two weeks
3. Chemo-therapy will continue for eight weeks
4. Re-evaluation

Had blood work done for the Oncologist yesterday as well. Got the results already--I SO love the internet. All the results are well within the ordinary range. Thank you, Lord.

I'm expecting Mom, Dad and two Aunts to arrive on Tuesday.

NEXT: Round Two, surgery on Wednesday the 20th.

THE ROLLER-COASTER OF LIFE

...Personally, I prefer the Shooting Gallery.

SIT-REP; WEDNESDAY EVENING

Had a treadmill stress test today. Walked for about ten minutes at increasing grades and speeds. Kept my breathing steady the whole time and walked until they said they were done. I think I surprised them.

MOMENTS OF HUMOR

* Following the biopsy the nurse said; "Since you didn't wear a bra today, Mr. Patterson, we'll use an ace bandage to hold the ice packs in place."

* Everyone tells me, "men get breast cancer, too." I thought of that last night as I studied my assigned reading, "Women's Guide to Breast Cancer." Why isn't it simply, "Guide to Breast Cancer"?

* "I want to know how you're doing; be sure to keep me abreast."

FIGHT'S ON!

Fight’s On! is a powerful lesson I've learned as a Sheriff’s Chaplain. Not mere belligerence, or false bravado; Fight’s On! embodies the warrior's creed. Life is hard and sometimes harsh. You’ll never see victory if you fold and run at the first sign of trouble. You have to be willing to stand up, to fight back, to overcome against insurmountable odds.

In Defensive Tactics instructors say that the first hard hit is not the end of the fight, but the beginning. When you get slammed hard that is the ring-side bell; Fight's ON! That is when you gird up your loins, tuck in your chin, and wade in swinging. Many enemies—even the cheerful brawlers—do not expect that. Japan's attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941 is a case in point. The High Command's strategy was to hit America so hard that we could not recover. They expected us to capitulate rather than fight back against that blow. They were mightily surprised when the USA immediately declared war and soon after struck the heart of Tokyo itself. Fight's ON!

Fighting is a taboo in our modern, urban, sophisticated world. Only bullies fight, and that's a bad thing. So we frown on teaching our children to defend themselves. Many reach adulthood without ever getting into a real fist-fight. Passivity is hailed as a sign of modern sophistication, but it’s a cruel illusion. Money, easy escape from the "bad" parts of town, alarm systems and stout door locks allow  people to forget that peace is voluntary. When the bully decides to cut you out of the herd it’s too late to decide whether or not you should fight back.

My dad instilled this ethos in me when I was a boy. "Don't start fights, son. Walk away when you can. But if you have no choice, you better be ready to finish them." That teaching kept the chip off my shoulder and allowed me to stand my ground when bullies thought my lunch money would be easy pickings. Sure, I took some lickings as a kid, but I never had to fight any of those bullies a second time.

Now in my fifties, I must call upon this same warrior creed—this ethos—In the face of an ultimate threat: death itself, from cancer. Not a natural death, everybody must face that one day. I’m prepared for that. But cancer—Un-natural death—is a mortal insult; a bully trying to take my life for no good reason.

That is unacceptable. `

The revelation that I have death growing in my chest came as an unwelcome surprise. But I've spent my life preparing for this. As a boy I faced down playground bullies. As a Pastor I've prayed and wept with people facing this same ultimate fear.

This is not a fight I can wade into and defeat with my fists. This fight will be fought by medical professionals. All I can do is harden my resolve, wait on their expertise and trust in my God. I will not surrender to fear. I am willing to take some hard hits, but I will not simply lie down and give up. As far as I’m concerned, Faith is the embodiment of the phrase, Fight's ON!

“…we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” 2 Corinthians 4:7-10