I KNEW THE LAST SEASON OF 24 WENT TOO FAR

C.A.R.S. = CASH FOR CLUNKERS

We traded in the Exploder this weekend for a new car. After throwing $425 at it the ten year old Ford wouldn't pass smog. My mechanic told me it would need an additional $1,400 of work before he could even test it again; and then it would probably be the catalytic converter-considering the age: another $3,000. "Time to trade it in," He said.

We decided to take advantage of the CARS program. The Exploder had 8 cylinders and lousy gas mileage, so it more than qualified. Trouble is, the CARS program is designed to steer you to the crappy cars that the government wants you to drive, not the cool cars that a normal person would desire. If you want an 8 cylinder, forget it. If you want 6 cylinders you only qualify for $3,500. To get the full $4,500 you have to settle for a 4 banger.

We decided on the Honda Accord. We drove both the 4 banger and the 6 cylinder; no contest. With three adults in the car, the 4 banger strained to make it up the freeway on ramp. The 6, on the other hand, has the V-tec engine. When you stop accelerating, it switches from 6 to 3 cylinders. Which means it gets better highway milage than the 4 banger while having all the power you could want.

This is our third new car in 35 years and our first Honda. So far we think the Accord is a pretty nice ride.

DELUSIONS OF COOLNESS

Boy-oh-boy, Miracle Whip, the not-quite-mayonnaise, has a hip new ad campaign running. Apparently, they are vying for most totally extreeeeeeeeeem condiment status.

The Television spot features a bunch of ultra-cool twenty-somethings running around doing incomprehensible, ultra-cool, twenty-something, rave-type happening stuff. Complete with the standard MTV jiggly camera work. (Yeah, they spend millions on these spots and then try to convince us it was shot by a couple of kids with a cellphone camera)

At the end of all the cool, happenin' stuff comes the big tag line; 'We are Miracle Whip, and we're NOT gonna tone it down!"

For real.

That's like saying; "We are Twinkies, and we're hardcore to the bone!"

This DESERVES someone like me standing up, pointing to it and saying: "Ha, HA! that's lame." And I'm just the someone like me to do it, too. I'll even do it again: "Ha, HA! that's so lame."

I can think of other limp, sissy items that might benefit from this approach. 98lb weaklings, Johnson's no-more-tears baby shampoo and don't forget tofu.

Maybe the next commercial spot could feature Hells Angels passing around a plate of quarter-cut sandwiches slathered with Miracle Whip. The tag line might be: "Four out of Five hardcore bikers prefer Miracle Whip."

YOU JUST CAN'T WIN