Friday, February 29, 2008

WEEKENDS ARE FOR FUN 25

CHOOSE WISELY RITTLE CRODHOPPER

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
.............................................................

Democrat's Answer
:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does my Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted anyway? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
................................................................................................................

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
.............................................................................................................

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.....
(Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Speer Gold Dots?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

UK / US SOLIDARITY




















Not only has the prince been serving
his country in a warzone, he shows
here tremendous solidarity with the
people of the United States.
Check out the cap.

Thank you, Prince Harry

Thursday, February 28, 2008

HEAR, HEAR!

Historically, the claim of consensus has been the first refuge of scoundrels; it is a way to avoid debate by claiming that the matter is already settled. Whenever you hear the consensus of scientists agrees on something or other, reach for your wallet, because you're being had.

Let's be clear: the work of science has nothing whatever to do with consensus. Consensus is the business of politics. Science, on the contrary, requires only one investigator who happens to be right, which means that he or she has results that are verifiable by reference to the real world. In science consensus is irrelevant. What is relevant is reproducible results. The greatest scientists in history are great precisely because they broke with the consensus. There is no such thing as consensus science. If it's consensus, it isn't science. If it's science, it isn't consensus. Period.

Michael Crichton


Check out Penn & Teller on youtube

NOSTALGIA SURE ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE

video

I gotta tell you. I was in first grade when my class went
to Ontario Airport to see a real-live 707 jet plane. I don't
ever recall experiencing service like this.

Monday, February 25, 2008

ANASTASIS

I do believe in the resurrection, I do, I do I do!

I got out of bed.
I walked without thinking about where the next step had to go.
I left the house and went for a nice walk in the desert.
I saw sheep.

Nothing like recovering from an illness to transform the mundane into the sublime.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

WEEKENDS ARE FOR FUN "24"

SIX FEET DOWN UNDER

This Australian flu is a corker. Crikey, I've never had the flu for six days before. Yesterday, I thought would be my last day. I was feeling pretty good, no sweats or chills. Ha ha very funny. I woke up sweating about two in the morning and have not stopped since. I have no hope that today will be my last day, so I need to find someone to preach for me tomorrow. Bother.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

HEALTH -HAK-COUGH-GAG- ALERT

Karen and I have been sick since Tuesday with some sort of mutant cold/flu thing. Getting tired of doing the Akey-breaky.

Apparently this year's flu shot was distilled cool aid.

T-th-th-that's all, folks.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

HEALTH ALERT! HEALTH ALERT! HEALTH ALERT!

A couple more items coming under the heading of "good" news.

1 I've now walked sixty-five miles in almost three weeks.

2 Saw my doctor yesterday; he changed one of my meds which was beginning to harm liver function. The good news is he did not see a need to switch me to straight injected insulin: HALALUJAH! The diabetic nurse has been darkly hinting that I was on death's door otherwise.
That is a definite answer to prayer. And thanks to you who have been wafting those petitions Heavenward.

3 Though my "before" picture looks like Jabba the Hut, my current picture is starting to look like Jabba's healthier little brother.

CASTRO RESIGNS! YEH, DATS DA TICKET

So, Fidel has laid down the heavy burden of state? At least, that's the take of the media, missing the point as usual. Fidel has been useless and bedridden for over a year. His brother Raoul--pronounced Raouuuuuuuuul, by Groucho Marx--has been running the show in the meantime. Yet media experts are speaking of this as a sudden transition. What will happen now that Raouuuuuuuuuul is in charge? I expect the same thing that's happened for the past year and the forty-eight years preceding. Sheesh, what breathless, moronic, "reporting."

At least Good Morning America began their report with; "Here's some good news."

Thursday, February 14, 2008

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

Last night as I was falling asleep in front of the television I awoke with a start. For what to my wondering eyes should appear but Peter Fonda hawking Time Life's Groovy Sounds of the Sixties.

Yep, that's right; Peter Fonda, one of the designated icons of counter-establishment cool is doing old people commercials. In other words, Mister "Stick-It-To-The-Man" is now shilling for the man. Wake up and smell the irony. And he's just the guy to get the job done, too. Looks like he's been spending his time fishing on Golden Pond.

Poor guy. His career has long been over. Now he's forced to remind the rest of us of that fact by scraping the bottom of the job barrel. At least he's not doing denture cream ads.

Yet.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

2008 CHURCH FELLOWSHIP AND DEATH MARCH

Last July I hiked Yosemite with four other guys from my church. We're planning to do it again this coming July. This year we've opened it to men, women and --GASP--teens. (actually, I'm counting on the teens to carry my backpack most of the way.)

To get in the mood--and hopefully in shape--I've begun doing some serious walking. Not that sissy, climate-controlled gym treadmill stuff, either. I'm talking about WALKING. From my front door I can climb a thousand feet in three and a half miles; seven total. I've managed that once, so far. However, in the past two weeks I've tramped a respectable 47.5 miles.

So far my diabetic body has been resisting my efforts. My fasting blood sugar is averaging a horrid 170 (as opposed to a hideous 200+) Today though as I climbed to the hill's 3/4 mark (five miles, total) I felt better. I felt like I was attacking the climb rather than merely enduring it. Perhaps I've crossed some sort of threshold. Hope so.

Stand by for further motivating self-congratulations...

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT




















Today I walked into a public restroom. I went to a stall and saw the door standing open about two inches. I pushed open the door and bopped some teenager in the head. Apparently he did not know that bathroom stalls come with a clever device for LOCKING them while in use.

That prompted me to create the preceeding helpful announcement. Feel free to print it out and tape it to bathroom stalls you frequent to avoid those embarrassing social faux pas.

THE DREADED DAY IS HERE!

I did it. I cast my ballot for McCain.

I considered all the things I don't like about the guy--voting record, nutty global warming ideas, (* see below) and snarling responses to upstarts who ask him questions--and concluded that A. he's going to be the Republican nominee, and B. should Romney win the nomination, he'll merely go down in glorious Goldwater flames, and C. in '91 I voted against Bush 1 in the primary to "send a message." In retrospect, I don't think that was such a smart move. (I can't even remember who I voted for in that primary--NO not Perot!)

However I vote--or you for that matter--the media will continue to run the beauty pageant for the next nine freakin' months. Now is a good time to collect a good DVD library to help keep your sanity.

(* below) I do not dispute that the earth is going through a warming trend. I heartily dispute that humans are causing it or can reverse the process. Ice core samples, ocean floor ice berg debris and an ancient Alpine mining operation discovered under a retreating glacier along with a myriad of other ACTUAL POINTS OF EVIDENCE, as opposed to breathless rhetoric and computer modeling, tell us that the earth's climate oscillates. I truly despise people trying to scare the bejesus out of me for political gain and personal power.

IN THE COMPANY OF HEROES

I made the list. I have acquired Folk Hero status; got a song to prove it.

Last week I sat in court with a man from my congregation. I do this more than you might think. And for my fellow cynics out there I state for the record that most of these cases are civil actions.

Anyway, last Sunday--Super Bowel Sunday, mind you--the guy shows up at church with a song he's written in my honor, extolling my virtues as a pastor. He sang his panegyric to me for the whole assembly. Needless to say, I'm truly moved to be in company with Babe the Blue Ox, Robin Hood and Billy the Kid, to name but a few.

Henceforth you may refer to me as Don the Baptist.

I know I will.